US "Reputation" Doesn't Need Clintonizing

Thanks to Gull for the heads-up on Hillary's plan for Clintonizing the US reputation:

If Hillary Clinton wins the US presidency, Bill Clinton will be given the
job of repairing America's damaged international reputation, the former
president tells the Guardian in an interview today.

Mr Clinton, 61, reveals that his wife has said she would ask him to "go out
and immediately restore America's standing, go out and tell people America was open for business and cooperation again" after eight years marked by unilateralist policies that have "enrage[d] the world".

You'll love Gull's suggestions for what to order if -- God forbid -- Hillary and
Bill return to the big house on the Hill.

Pun-Time

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:" A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7."Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

16. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

18. And finally, there was the person who sent eighteen different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.


:::::::::thud::::::::::::::::

Cuttin' n Runnin' from the Iowa Straw Vote

Oh my.

One of the last "thangs" a true Southerner doesn't do is cut 'n run.

Anyone worth his or her salt KNOWS that only liberals cut 'n run. (Are you listening Murtha and Reid?)

Take the Iowa Straw vote for the Republican nominee for President ..... What happened to Rudy and John McCain and all those Fredheads? Where were they?

Most folks would say they were avoiding a good fight. They cut 'n run to avoid facing Mitt Romney in a (meaningless?) straw poll vote. If it was so meaningless, as they've been quoted as saying --- how come they didn't enter the campaign?

How come they are all going to visit the state AFTER the vote? To pick up ballot chads? Visit the state fair exhibits? To taste the BBQ? Maybe to get one of those pork chops fired by Mitt?

Don't believe the hype.

Here's why John and Rudy and Fred! didn't show up in Iowa. And it's in this video. RIGHT HERE.

Congratulations, TEAM MITT!!

See you in New Hampshire!

"Just Don't Talk to the Parrot ..."

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" Wanda warned the repairman.

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Moral of the story: Men just don't listen!!!

Realities You DON'T Want to Think too Much About:

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
.
.

231 Years Old -- Looking Marvelous!

What a glorious, traditional Fourth of July celebration our family enjoyed -- volleyball, swimming, extended family reunion, wonderful food, fireworks and an evening concert ....

We weren't priviledged to hear America's Choir, but the sentiment and spirit of the concert was as heart-felt as this rendition:



Happy Birthday, America.

Mutts for Mitt Blog

If you have the chance, stop by Mutts4Mitt, a blog created in response to the silly "howl" created by the media hounds about how Mitt's dog traveled on the family vacation 24 or so years ago.

Cute photos and captions. If you like Mitt Romney, that is.

Which I do.

Why not send'em a photo of your pet?

Net Humor

Check out the new sidebar addition. We've added a jokes list from the Internet to keep our friends entertained.


Enjoy!

Graphic Joke Warning: 3rd Grade Show n' Tell

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the
largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows
that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the
biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he
did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from
a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called
"Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asked the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one."

"Well, you could have!"

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have, " the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Speaking of Southern Humor --

Mitt would fit right in! Even without Jay Leno "pulling the strings."

Funny.

Mitt will be on Leno's show this week before the debate.

Can't Buy Integrity

With Gull's series on Mitt Romney, I decided to google a few articles on Romney's character and integrity. The guy is squeeky clean. He's generous, too. A type of public servant we've not seen in eons, if not longer. Here's something of note:

What causes so many of our elected officials to push ethics aside?

It’s an all-consuming desire to gain power, fame, and fortune.

Rather than working to serve the people, they work to serve themselves at the
expense of the people. For Governor Romney, the opportunity to serve others
was what drew him to government. As a wildly successful businessman,
Romney could have ignored the call to public service. But, as he explained in his book Turnaround, the opportunity to serve has given him more satisfaction than he ever could have expected:

“There is not one day when I have regretted making a full commitment to public service. The battles, the triumphs, the personal associations are more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. I could have made a good deal more money over the last five years had I stayed at my investment job…

Instead, I have come to know many more people and to help many more people I
do not know. It’s a currency of a different denomination: it can’t be taxed, stolen, or depleted. The more I have of it, the richer I feel.” (page 384)

Speaking of money, it should be noted that Romney has served as governor
without taking a salary to encourage the spirit of volunteerism and out of his
desire to give something back.

When the 2002 Winter Olympics needed someone to come in and clean up
corruption, scandal, and waste that had occurred in the planning stages, they
called on Mitt Romney. He answered the call, turned around the mess, and
put on the most successful Winter Games in our history at a time when our
country needed a boost (the games occurred just months after
9/11).

That's the type of person I want as president.

SOUTHERN RULES

Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin by the Southern Tourism Bureau TO: ALL visiting Northerners, North-easterners, North-westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook> something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.


4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al! Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we> know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way> because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manner into your ass just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box . . . minus your ass.


AND NO ---- Not everyone from the south voted for Jimmah Cartah.