US "Reputation" Doesn't Need Clintonizing

Thanks to Gull for the heads-up on Hillary's plan for Clintonizing the US reputation:

If Hillary Clinton wins the US presidency, Bill Clinton will be given the
job of repairing America's damaged international reputation, the former
president tells the Guardian in an interview today.

Mr Clinton, 61, reveals that his wife has said she would ask him to "go out
and immediately restore America's standing, go out and tell people America was open for business and cooperation again" after eight years marked by unilateralist policies that have "enrage[d] the world".

You'll love Gull's suggestions for what to order if -- God forbid -- Hillary and
Bill return to the big house on the Hill.

Pun-Time

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:" A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7."Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

16. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

18. And finally, there was the person who sent eighteen different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.


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Cuttin' n Runnin' from the Iowa Straw Vote

Oh my.

One of the last "thangs" a true Southerner doesn't do is cut 'n run.

Anyone worth his or her salt KNOWS that only liberals cut 'n run. (Are you listening Murtha and Reid?)

Take the Iowa Straw vote for the Republican nominee for President ..... What happened to Rudy and John McCain and all those Fredheads? Where were they?

Most folks would say they were avoiding a good fight. They cut 'n run to avoid facing Mitt Romney in a (meaningless?) straw poll vote. If it was so meaningless, as they've been quoted as saying --- how come they didn't enter the campaign?

How come they are all going to visit the state AFTER the vote? To pick up ballot chads? Visit the state fair exhibits? To taste the BBQ? Maybe to get one of those pork chops fired by Mitt?

Don't believe the hype.

Here's why John and Rudy and Fred! didn't show up in Iowa. And it's in this video. RIGHT HERE.

Congratulations, TEAM MITT!!

See you in New Hampshire!

"Just Don't Talk to the Parrot ..."

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" Wanda warned the repairman.

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Moral of the story: Men just don't listen!!!

Realities You DON'T Want to Think too Much About:

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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231 Years Old -- Looking Marvelous!

What a glorious, traditional Fourth of July celebration our family enjoyed -- volleyball, swimming, extended family reunion, wonderful food, fireworks and an evening concert ....

We weren't priviledged to hear America's Choir, but the sentiment and spirit of the concert was as heart-felt as this rendition:



Happy Birthday, America.

Mutts for Mitt Blog

If you have the chance, stop by Mutts4Mitt, a blog created in response to the silly "howl" created by the media hounds about how Mitt's dog traveled on the family vacation 24 or so years ago.

Cute photos and captions. If you like Mitt Romney, that is.

Which I do.

Why not send'em a photo of your pet?